As a public service, thebrainpolice has set up a rapture tech support hotline. We are here to help you deal with any technical difficulties or questions you might have regarding todays scheduled "Rapture" event.
So far, the most commonly asked question has been: How do I deal with this pesky brimstone stuff and what exactly is it?
Our expert technical staff has this answer for you: Brimstone is the geological equivalent of the biological substance known as "Santorum". It solidifies in the atmosphere as it rains down in a burning maelstrom upon the damned. We have found it to be a rather good landscaping material once it cools down a bit.
Rapture hot line hot tip: Be sure to change your cat box before 7:30 pm this evening.